Andy isn't going to provide you with deep theological insights but he will tell you the things you should know and the things which are often just taken as granted and so many don't communicate and have to learn the hard way. Andy's main motto in relation to dating and relationships is "become the person who you are looking for, is looking for". Not too groundbreaking but it makes a lot of sense. He also is known for giving the idea of setting aside one year in which to not allow yourself to date and to focus on becoming that person. When I watched half this series last year I decided to do this because, well, a lot of my friends had and it seemed like a good idea. A few months later I would start talking to a guy but that didn't work out and it was totally for the best on each of our parts. What I realized about many who took the challenge was that they were so focused upon trying not to date for a year that they forgot that they needed to be focused on becoming the person who the person they wanted to attract would be interested in. Suddenly the year would be over and they would begin yet another relationship which proved unsuccessful since they didn't focus on their own self during this time of not dating.
Not I am not bashing Andy's recommendation. Not at all, in fact it has proved so valuable to so many people which he shows through the series. But I took a very different lesson from it. A lot of girls think that of they take the year off then they will suddenly meet their knight in shining armor at the other end, but yet they haven't spend the year really trying to deal with their own character and the person who they want to become and thus the person they want to attract. I realized through re-watching this series that I didn't need to take a year off because if I wasn't truly focusing on becoming a person who the person I am looking for is looking for then what is even the point? And also why was I taking a break from something I didn't even really start haha
The Most Important Lesson
The very last sermon did the most for me. Andy Stanley talked about the implication of everything which he talked about.
When you approach a relationship, its so important to guard your heart, you have heard this probably one million and one times, but how do we do this? We heard so much about it yet what have we been told in order to carry that out? First of all, look at Proverbs 14:15, "the simple believe anything but the prudent give thought to their steps", Andy recommends that rather than focusing on the promises which your dating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend gives, the past is always a better indicator than the promises that they will give you. We all have a past and we must forgive but pay attention to their traits, the things they continue to do over and over.
Heres 6 things which Andy recommended in his last sermon that we should pay special consideration to in regards to dating and marriage and the approach to take.
1. Address Unresolved Child Issues:
If you want to attempt to approach intimacy you need to approach it as a whole person. Don't believe what Andy describes as the "right person myth", don't think that when you meet the right person suddenly everything makes sense and works...because it wont. Anything from your past will creep up in your future but I will talk about this in another bit, so hold on there. This one is a bigee.
2. Ladies this one is for you
Do not dress like a commodity and do not tolerate a guy who treats you like one. If a guy dates you like one, he will marry you like one. Andy uses the analogy of a fisherman who will bait his hook depending on what he wants to catch and if you are fishing with your body, don't expect that the right guy will catch you. I really don;t like when girls say "gahh guys are all the same blah blah blah", eh false, all the guys you date are the same, all the guys who ask you out are the same, and what is the common denominator in all those relationships? yea...you...ouch. Ladies please just look inside yourselves, be the person who the person you want to attract is looking for.
3. Get out of debt.
You can get out quicker as a single than a married person. Small thing here but has huge effects. you don't want to create a trend by entering into a marriage with debt.
4. Marriage does not solve problems.
The good becomes better but the bad becomes worse. Try and break the bad habits before you even contemplate marriage and any guy or gal that says "oh but you'll be able to help me when we are married"..NO AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! You do not need to prop up your significant other, that is not your place at an early point in a relationship, and I know that sounds harsh but this is not just for your benefit but theirs too. They need to learn to rely on the right people or this could lead to further hurt later on. Everything gets more complicated when you get married. Andy claims that whatever the issues is that within 6 months of marriage, the spouses problem suddenly becomes YOUR fault.
5. Postpone the physical as long as possible.
Two world views. Women: want to know he is coming back. Men: thinking the physical didn't match up to his expectations, may end relationship prematurely because the physical didn't mean anything since they hadn't established an emotional relationship. You are looking for and deserve "the one"... not everyone. Andy suggests that you should put off the physical to the point where the other person wonders if you even think or are interested in that. Self control before marriage will encourage self control in marriage. Date someone with self control because again this past is a good indicator for the future.
6. Go to the right places to meet the right people.
Do things which support the way you want to live and you will meet the right people. This isn't something you should rely on but if you are looking for someone who will be on a similar path to you this is the best way.
You can check out his series here : http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating
Thee Best and Biggest Lesson I learned
I told you I would come back to this one. Ok so I said a bigee up there about dealing with unresolved child issues. This one was something that hit home for me, and Andy acknowledges that you cant just tell someone "yes ...your past...hmmm yea you should sort that out so you aren't considered as having baggage...unattractive much?"...It's big, so Andy directs you to a teaching called "Boy meets Girl" by Louie Giglio and let me tell you this is the single best sermon that I have ever heard. Its one hour long but is totally worth every second.
WATCH THIS IF YOU LISTEN TO NOTHING I SAY EVER.
So how do you deal with baggage; with having it, yet not bringing it round with you? He answers this.
To describe this he uses a chest of 5 drawers to represent our "baggage". Each drawer represents different issues which could count as baggage.
1. The first drawer...Generational Sin
We are all born into sin. And in so many cases what caught up our parents will catch up on us, but so often we over-think this; we think that we are destined for the same fate as them, will suffer same problems and result as a copy.
2. The second drawer...Abandonment.
Divorce, distance, disinterest, death. The treatment we received from our parents sticks with us. They can often make us feel abandoned. And you may always yearn for their acceptance even when they are long gone, and you seek it every day yet find it in no other individual. We either cling to others looking for this or we put up every wall imaginable and vow it will never happen again.
3. The third drawer... Enabling parents.
Some of us were given too many boundaries and others not enough. What does this show about our parents and how they loved us?
4. The fourth drawer... Performance based acceptance.
Some of us only heard I love you as a conditional statement or the beginning of a sentence rather than that being the entire sentence.
5. The fifth drawer... Abuse
Whether this was sexual, physical, emotional, any form. You need to walk down that aisle or stand at the end of it knowing you trust the other.
These five things encapsulate a lot of the baggage which people carry and so many people can relate to at least one of them. But healing can happen, through Christ miracles happen and although you may think that you just have to accept things the way they are, miracles happen and they happen through Jesus and the cross. Jesus took every one of these drawers on the cross, He understands. But know that although forgiveness to the people who did this to you seems hard, it is possible with Him. He forgave us, and we need to pass that on and who are we to judge and punish when these people are being punished by their own lives enough.
When you make that decision to marry I hope that you are able to say "I do, and I am free". Through Christ we have a new DNA, we can make peach with the past and can enter the family of God as His child. We will still have the traits as our parents, both physically and similar character traits. Louie then took out all the drawers and built them into the shape of the cross, showing how Jesus took them and we need to give them to Him. If we carry them they never get solved. Stop looking into the past and deciding who you are but pick up your Bible and see the promises and notes of affection which your Almighty Father has written for you; that He loves you unconditionally, that He will neither leave nor forsake you, that He is yours and you are His, that you are new. He will always love and will never abandon. And He believes in you because He knows He can do earth-shattering and incredible things through you.
You have a new possibility, a new beginning. but this is only possible through Christ at the cross.
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